If you were visiting my site last week then you know I mentioned I was facing some scary challenges. At the time I didn’t feel up to mentioning what was going on in my life; but today I will elaborate. A couple weeks ago I received a letter in the mail saying that there was cause for concern over my mammogram. Of course that freaked me out. WHO IN THE WORLD SENDS OUT A LETTER FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT? ISN’T A PERSONAL PHONE CALL IN ORDER?
Due to the fact that I had moved the letter was forwarded, so that cost a few days and the letter arrived on a FRIDAY AFTERNOON. Fortunately my doctors office was still open and I was able to call and speak to someone there. But, the doctors office had NOT received the report. To say that I was frustrated and afraid would be a major understatement. The mammography office was closed for the weekend and I was left stunned with a weekend of no answers ahead of me.
On Monday am I went to my favorite place, the beach and sat until the office opened and then called. The mammography office said they would fax the report to my dr. The Dr’s office says they didn’t receive it until approximately 3 pm. The mammography office says they faxed it immediately. Who knows where the snafu happened, but I was left sitting for more than six hours waiting and wondering. Finally at 4:30 pm I sat down in the Dr’s office and heard more detail of what was happening with my body.
The Dr said with the results found; two very tiny spots on the same breast I would need a biopsy; especially since both my parents had died of cancer (not breast cancer). I was stunned. I waited the prescribed number of days…. too damn many I can assure you… for my scheduled test. After I arrived with my mammography films and signed in I sat with two good friends, who I had asked to come with me. I focused my energies, prayed and waited.
When it was time for my appointment the technician told me, you don’t need a biopsy, you first need an ultrasound. Then you will need a follow up MRI to be certain there is even something to biopsy. That made sense to me and to the radiologist who came to speak with me a few minutes later agreed. The ultrasound was done quite quickly and showed only one spot that appeared to be fiberous tissue, this was a positive first step. They then did their best to work me into their afternoon schedule for an MRI. After waiting with friends another couple hours I was able to have my MRI done. It was a simple process, but pretty overwhelming and scary for me. I’m claustrophobic and I don’t deal well with loud noise; I also hate needles, the test involves all three. To be fair they offered me a medication to help me relax through the test. Knowing I had to drive 30 miles afterwards I refused. In retrospect I think it might have been a good idea to take it. Isn’t hind sight great, laughter….. I prayed and focused my energies and had my two friends praying for me as well. I made it through the test, shaken but not stirred.
Within a short time I was able to meet with the radiologist and view the films they had taken during my MRI. Everything was normal. The only spot that showed was simply fiberous tissue, a condition that many women with dense breasts have. It was a blessed moment; my two weeks of fears, concerns and prayers were over. I had felt from the beginning that there was nothing wrong and when I prayed about it, I received the same message; yet hearing from a professional who views MRI and ultrasound films daily for their job is the voice I needed to hear to put all concerns to rest.
It was a blessed moment for me, and I am very grateful. What the experience brought to me was a deep understanding of what my parents went through with their cancer diagnosis and tests; and a deep empathy for other women who go through these experiences and then face a very different outcome. It was a sobering two weeks, yet a life affirming time to realize that I am doing exactly what I love, exactly what I need to be doing.
If my experience had turned out differently and I’d been told I had only a limited amount of time left I knew in my heart I was living close to my priorities. I was writing, doing what I love. I was looking for a publisher for my book. I had created a blog site to help people dealing with grief and healing; and I was midstream into working with a web designer to get an official website up. The only things I would have wished for would have been more adventures, and a committed man in my life.
I hadn’t done badly for myself. My experience wasn’t like hitting the brick wall and seeing I needed to make serious changes to my life. I’d already had that brick wall with my mother’s death and then six years later with my father’s death. I had paid attention when I hit the brick wall the first time, making serious life changes and following my dreams of living overseas and traveling. I had done that for ten years and what a blessing that was. It gave me the courage to handle the losses I faced and the bone numbing grief I lived through for more years than I care to count.
So today as I write this, tears streaming down my face. I am grateful. Grateful that I have followed my heart, trusted my gut and created as many of my dreams as humanly possible so far. I have a ways to go.. the book still awaits a publisher, my website will be up shortly and I look forward to creating that lasting, loving, long term relationship in my life and I know with God’s guidance that too will happen.
In the meantime, during my two week wait for tests I promised myself no matter what the result came back…I would go to Tahiti. So later this year look for posts about my trip. I plan to go in the next few months.
Healing Through Love 