May 2007


Today was a gorgeous day and I didn’t have any house duties, or realtor meetings. What a treasure that is! I went to church, enjoyed an afternoon lunch overlooking the beach with relatives and a quiet evening on the patio listening to the sounds of nature. It felt like a normal wonderful day. After the last weeks even saying normal or quiet seems extraordinary! The quiet of the evening, watching the sunset and talking to my aunt was enjoyable and just what I needed to soothe my soul after the frenzied days of late. What are you doing today to soothe your soul?

It’s Saturday, the day of relaxation, that is unless you have a realtor showing up to take pictures of your home. I was up at 7:15 preparing last minute things and didn’t sit down until she arrived at 1:15. By the time it was finished some two hours later I felt like I’d worked an entire damn day….and it was only 1:30 in the afternoon.

With relatives arriving from the midwest at 2pm, (thankfully renting their own car and driving in from the airport) I actually had a half hour to sit down and take a real breath. That hasn’t happened in about three days!!! My god what happened to my expat life??? For once I didn’t run around like a crazy person cleaning the house before relatives arrived…. we had bypassed cleaning for ” show statusThis house is pristine!After all of that, it was time for LUNCH AND DRINKS. IF THERE WAS EVER A DAY I NEEDED TO CONSUME ALCOHOL THIS WOULD BE IT. After two weeks of interviewing realtors, cleaning, more cleaning and realtor meetings, paperwork and pictures I was in need of large amounts of alcohol.

As the relatives had arrived it was the perfect moment to splurge on a nice seafood lunch and a pitcher of white wine sangria. I can tell you that they added something besides wine to that sangria. It was kicking my butt. Two and a half glasses and I could barely walk out of the place, thank god my uncle as the designated driver. Of course some of the effect of the alcohol could be the two weeks of constant activity and stress I have been dealing with. All I can say is thank god I’ve reached this point. Thank god a realtor has been selected and thank god I can have a day of R&R. The Sangria didn’t hurt either.

This last few weeks have drained me. I feel like there is constantly too much on my plate. So much so that I can’t possibly complete it all, though I do give it my best try. The details of my days are too exhausting to recount and some days hold tasks that are as appealing as cleaning the kitty litter. I long for a LONG, VERY LONG quiet vacation in a place full of beauty, nature and silence. Maybe a lodge in Canada. A visit there three years ago sold me on the absolute beauty, abounding nature and peaceful silence one can find in Canada.

Tonight I had tickets for the symphony but I didn’t go. I considered inviting a friend two weeks ago, but had way too much on my mind with my house and other responsibilities. Maybe I should have, but after a very long day of errands and meetings and a hair cut and a session of yard work I just wasn’t in the mood. It’s a shame too, I just got my hair cut today and it looks GREAT!

Working in the yard did allow me to remember why I’m moving to a town house. There I will have a yard but NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT…. You will certainly hear my scream of glee for miles! I’ve learned that a house with a yard is just so much damn work, even with help! I wonder why I have no dating life to speak of…I feel like I’m dating this damn house!! Do any of you who are also single feel like that?

Okay, I am on the overly neat and organized side and want things to look really awesome…which takes a great deal of time. Yet, when I sit down in the evenings I’m happy with it, it’s neat and beautiful. I’m pleased with my home and that is a very good feeling. But some days, like today, it exhausts me, and certainly limits my social life because the responsibilities are pretty much constant. Who knew…. no wonder I liked living the nomadic life overseas.

After the last few days of emotion I was quite happy to see a new week roll around. Today I have workmen scheduled to do minor repairs and I feel this is the start of a much calmer, more sane week. THANK YOU, THAT IS REALLY ALL I CAN SAY…THANK YOU!

Mother’s Day felt like HELL. Thank god it has passed and I can handle my emotions again. Things have been rolling along quite well today, my sliding door opens smoothly again, my garage door is no longer jamming, the world seems in order. The work men have mostly come and gone doing a nice job on repairs. It is nearly lunch time and I am feeling GOOD.

A few minutes later I was thinking, hmn…Ex fiancee got married on Friday night (my time…..overseas Saturday May 12, MOM’S BIRTHDAY, Mother’s Day was the 13th, that makes today THE FOURTEENTH…of MAY… I started laughing….in an alternate universe this was my wedding day, 24 years ago! After a separation 19 years ago and a divorce 13 years ago it longer holds emotion for me. )

Hey, I wonder if there are anymore significant days coming up this week, month or century….I really hope not. I could really use normal, routine and peaceful right now.

This is a wonderful video found on You Tube, of Chinese dancers who are deaf, yet dance and work in sync perfectly. Enjoy, it is gorgeous!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCujGd9rJM8

Today is my mom’s birthday. If she were with us she would be 63 today. It is a very bittersweet day for me. I spent years of my life loving my mother deeply, yet being driven crazy by her as well. We had some similar traits we were both stubborn, opinionated and moved to our own beat in life. Yet we were very different as well and those differences could sometimes make life very interesting when we were together.

She didn’t always understand my life, but she always cheered me on, encouraging me to create the life I dreamed of. She was concerned when I began looking at overseas jobs yet when I decided to head to Guam for a new job she was happy for me and glad I was creating the life I dreamed of. She always worried about me, maybe all mother’s worry unneccessarily for their grown daughters.

I remember when I learned to scuba dive on Guam. I told her about learning the emergency breathing procedures, where we did breathing off a buddys air by turns. She said she never wanted to know when I was going diving again. I laugh now, but her worries used to drive me crazy. I realize now she was just expressing her love through her worry and always wanting me to be safe and have the best in life.

I miss her today, I miss her every week and every year. But thankfully with ten years time my pain is less and the tears fewer. I still cry every year on her birthday and at times in between when I wish she were here. Today I focus more on remembering wonderful memories, treasured days, her smile, her jokes. The way she filled the house with flowers and beautiful things.

Each year I do something special in honor of mom on her birthday. Whether it’s plant her favorite flowers, buy something for my home that reminds me of her, or light a special candle and let it burn all day to remind her I love her. This year I chose to do all three. Last week I bought a door mat for my front door that says,” Live Well, Love Much, Laugh Often” My mother embodied that attitude in her life and today and every day I want to remember to live with joy as she lived. A cake scented candle is lit on my cofee table for mom as well. She filled her home with yummy scented candles, saying it was the closest she was getting to baking! So on this day as my mom watches over me I know she feels my love and knows I am doing all I can to live my very best life and help others create theirs by my example and my writing.

In less than an hour my ex fiancee will be married. We spent five years together and blessedly remain very good friends. I’m happy for him/them and glad that he has found his special love. For me it is a moment of very mixed feelings. I am happy for him yet sad that our friendship will change. He is a very good man and deserves the happiness and love he has found. But one can’t live through a moment like this without feeling a lot of different emotions.

I am at a good place in my life, and I feel happy with the life I am creating for myself with my book, travels, family and friends. Yes I too would like to find that special person, but I know that moment will come when the time is right. The focus of my life right now is my book and finding a publisher. So for today I have to surrender to the moment and move gracefully into a new chapter of my life.

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