Clarity


Today a conversation with my friend Myscha sparked a realization in me that there are times when the best thing we can offer another is a part of ourself. Simply to be there in that moment and offer a part of ourself that will support and nurture the other in their challenge and need is the best gift we can offer.

Maybe it’s sharing a cup of tea and having a chat.
Possibly it’s a bike ride through the park together enjoying the unexpected sights of nature.
Maybe a part of yourself is best shared in giving a sensual massage that allows the other to forget the world’s challenges.
Maybe it is the hug you offer after a long day.
Whatever it is, as long as it’s a part of your authentic self it will be treasured.

Photo Credit: Flickr Johnny Pearl

linnmarrhappysunflower.jpgLife is filled with moments of great joy and moments when we need the quiet loving support of those who know us best. Today is one of those days when I needed the loving and warm support of my family and spirit brought it to me in a small but clear way. Since last night I’ve been feeling longing for my parents, for their warmth, their clear knowing of me and who I am and what I’m about. So much doesn’t even need words with the people who have known you your whole life, or a good share of your life. I lack that most of the time in my life. Most of the people I’ve known my entire life either live in another place far from me or have passed on into spirit so at times I long for the comfort of the ones that know me best and love me despite my many flaws.

As I was doing things around the house this morning, thinking of my parents and missing them I pulled a container from the cabinet and on top of it was a coaster; The coaster was embossed with Jane and this saying,

From the Hebrew “God is gracious,” She is gentle and loving, kind and caring; always there when you need her. a friend you can turn to.

Jane is the name of my mother who has passed into spirit. So on this day when I needed her so much she showed me yet again, in a clear way that she is always watching over me, always loving me, guiding me from the other side. I love you mom and I’m grateful for your love and support from spirit. I have much to learn and I know you are helping me and smiling down on me. I miss you.

Photo Credit: Flickr Linn Marr

11-10-2007-04.jpgA picture of one of my favorite places in Germany. The island of Hiddensee where I was fortunate to spend a couple lovely weekends. Everything happens in divine right order.

Everyone knows that selling a house today is a situation that requires a great deal of time, energy and patience. I feel really blessed that I have had approximately eight showings in the last two and a half weeks, but what I really want is my house to be sold. So like everyone I face that eternal challenge to go with the flow and trust that everything is in DRO; Divine Right Order and that my house will sell just as it should, to the family that is most suited to my house. Waiting is a challenge, but like finding a new job, or moving to a new continent….something I have done several times over it always falls into place at the exact right moment and you experience that light bulb moment of “ah, this is why I needed to wait.”

I remember some years ago when I was searching for an international job and I lost out on one in Dresden, Germany because their email didn’t reach me in Hawaii before I headed to the job fair in Houston. I remember standing by the Dresden line saying to myself, maybe I should request an interview with this school. But, something held me back and I didn’t get in their line, didn’t interview and then flew back to Hawaii finding that they had in fact been interested in me. I was crushed and disappointed.

Fast forward another eight months I now had two job offers, one in Indonesia and one in Berlin, Germany. I opted for the Berlin, Germany post. Taking that job changed my life and deepened my love of travel and expat life. If I had taken the Dresden job I would have never met the special man who shared my life in Berlin. Everything happens for a reason, DIVINE RIGHT ORDER I remind myself today as I wait for my house to sell. Blessing and love to each of you!

Photo Credit: Lisa Overman

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Pass a Grille Beach, St Petersburg, FL

I find when I’m uncertain or stressed that being in nature is the best solution for me. Spending time breathing fresh air, feeling sunshine on my face and just chilling bring me back to my center; where I need to be. Time after time I more fully understand that nature is my haven from the every day challenges that life offers. In nature I observe the natural flow of things, trees move softly in the breeze and birds swoop in upward flight with the drafts, sometimes flapping their wings and other times simply gliding. The waves flow in sets into the beach and through it all there is no struggle, it happens smoothy as nature intended, each flower, branch or bird in a calm pattern of beauty. It’s a beautiful reminder of what life can be when we let go of expectations and struggling to make everything as we’d like it. Simply find a peaceful spot and breathe deep; and recognize that life flows on around us, no matter what we do. We can choose to fight it or we can choose to flow with it. May you have a blessed day.

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Back in 2005 when I still knew how to have a good time, at my annual Buffett party with my grandma Betty.

If you read my last post, you know I finally said enough to home projects and spent 48 hours relaxing at the beach. Okay so reality has intervened, it is now Tuesday and home projects continue to sprout before my very eyes by the second. It is sheer force of will that is keeping me from running screaming from the house today. I spent a hot as hell part of yesterday and this morning working in my flowerbeds and landscaping to spray and kill and remove weeds. (Just so you know… it isn’t like I haven’t already done this several times this summer. I live in Florida and the intense summer heat and rain seem to make things grow in jungle proportions in just a week or so. It can become maddening and I have learned with four years experience to just take a deep breath and do what I can do and leave the rest for another day. Yes, I could force myself to spend another two hours out in the heat, on top of the hour I have already spent. I could then lie for the next 6 hours on the couch in a state of heat exhaustion… been down that road on past yrs.No, not going back there for any amount of money. So there are still some weeds in my landscaping and my house is for sale. Is that really going to deter a serious buyer, well if it is then this isn’t the house for them, end of story.

I have spent so much of the last ten months working my ass off to show this house to it’s best advantage and it was already a GREAT house. So at some point my perspective and my father looking down on me from heaven have shown me that I must care for myself. I must not constantly over do it as I have in the past.

The reality of my life is that I will wake up every day until this house is sold and I will know there are at least ten things I need to do. It’s a lot of pressure some days and weeks. But the reality is, the world is not going to end if I do one less project today and watch a baseball game or read a good book. I work far harder now on this house and my move than I ever have at a regular job and no one but my friend Myscha or someone else who works from home could understand that. Not only am I finishing a book I have spent years writing, but I’m cleaning, organizing, packing, donating and keeping a house show ready every damn day…as a single woman. Today, I worked on the yard, I’m doing laundry and the rest of the day I might just drink margarita’s or malibu rum. If this was the last day I had on earth I certainly would not want to spend it making my yard perfect. So I’m keeping some perspective, doing some of the work and leaving the rest for another day, realizing this is my life and I want to enjoy it as well.

The reality is some days in our life just don’t flow. Some days are like a LA traffic jam. Today is my LA traffic jam and surprisingly I’m doing pretty well with it. I haven’t lost my cool and I’m focusing on the basics, things that can’t be screwed up. I paid a few bills, tried to make some calls but that wasn’t working out either so I nixed those for today and am sticking to simple things, doing the laundry, taking care of necessities and lying low until I sense the traffic jam is gone. It wouldn’t have always been this way for me. The old me would have been angry and tried to plow on through the obviously not working tasks and would have become even more frustrated. I’ve learned and one of those gifts of learning was to let things go and not react when things start going wrong. I now work with the things that I can and I let the rest work it’s self out on another day when the traffic is moving without delays.

As I walked the beach tonight I took note of the way the water flowed in with each set of waves, how the sand formed patterns and how the patterns quickly changed as the next round of waves hit the beach. As I walked down the beach contemplating the serenity around me I realized that those patterns are a lot like my life.

At each point in my life things seem strong, complete and in flow with the universe. Yet as soon as I face a death in my family, a move to a new continent or the end of a relationship the pattern that seemed so strong and permanent shifts in a completely new way and I am left for a time floundering with my grief or my move to a new country and am forced to create a new pattern of living.

Sometimes the changing pattern of my life is not a pleasant experience and sometimes it’s exciting, such as when I moved to Guam, Hawaii or Germany. When my life changed due to a death or divorce the pain of creating a new pattern, a new way of life is one that took me a great deal of time and patience. There were so many dark, difficult days, when it felt like going on was going six steps back and running away seemed a lot more attractive at that point. Through the pain and the gut wrenching grief I persevered, I learned to trust in the moments of clarity. I surrendered when I was able to the moments when I saw a beautiful sunset or a gorgeous flower and for a second I remembered there was a day when my life wasn’t filled with pain and heartache.

Early on those days seemed few and far between. Trust that spirit is guiding you and that you will find ways to come through the grief and loss just as I have. It was never easy and there are still many painful moments even for me, ten years out on my mom’s death and nearly four years out on my dads. As I write this post there are tears as I sit at my kitchen table and look at their photos on my refrigerator. I miss them every day, and I wish they could share my physical life. I can’t change their fate. But I changed my attitude and the way I live my life.

It didn’t happen all at once. At first after my mom’s death was a realization that my job was consuming too much of my life. I began saying no alot more easily and wow did it feel good! The world kept revolving and they found other people to share the load. It’s amazing how that works!! I lost my mother when she was 53 years old. I was certainly not going to waste my Saturdays working or even a small part of my evenings. I was LIVING and I planned to enjoy it! About a year after my mom died I began the application process to go back overseas and teach. My mother dying was a big wake up call for FOLLOWING MY DREAMS. I knew in my heart it was the right choice and despite my fears and frustrations within approximately nine months I was on my way to a new job and life in Germany that I had long dreamed of!

My mother’s death propelled me to make changes in my life and to create a new beautiful patten she would be proud of. I know she sees my life and the progress and changes I have made. I feel her love and support surrounding me many time and have felt her assistance in moments of challenge.

It was my father’s death that propelled me to realize I must publish my book. I had been working on it for years on my summers and vacations. But his death was the turning point to focus my full attention on my gift of writing. I have created these new patterns over time and not without pain, not without soul searching and fear. Yet I knew the pattern was right, I felt it in my heart and understood it in my soul. I hope my message will help you to find the pattern in your own life, to move with the pain and realize that your life goes on, no matter how painful and sad that is. Our departed loved ones only want our happiness so trust in your heart and step forward in hope toward something that feels right, something that you can be proud of. A new pattern that will bring peace into your life once more and the reminder that life can indeed be beautiful.

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